also,

we did a class play about hercules, guys. it was the best. they loved it so much!!!

they made the set.

this tree was hard. you have no idea how complicated it is to get your hands on a refrigerator box.

i made (and played) with their costumes.

i also got very good at whipping a toga together with a queen-sized sheet on a 3 foot body. (the second class here all destroyed my fine handy work before we could get the picture. ungrateful children...)
these kids are just the best.

beep bop boop!

remember how my computer decided to die a few months ago? well, in a recent slew of events involving apple trying to ruin my life, i decided to tempt fate by poking the power button on my computer. you know, just to see.
WEELLLLLLL...

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, PEOPLE.
(seriously. i have no idea how this is possible.)
god bless us, every one!!!

look forward to more stuff like this:

check and check. merry christmas, sweetheart.

(it looks waaaay better when you squint your eyes a little bit.)

ALIVE

guys. i'm sorry.

i know i went through all the trouble of making you send me your email so i could register you to read this private blog, because i had promised you a humorous and intriguing look into my life as a 5th grade dual immersion teacher.

(guilty face)

as it turns out, i just have no life because of this job. also, my computer broke, so at this very moment i am hijacking grace's laptop to type this. the good news though, is that I LOVE MY JOB. seriously. it is awesome. i love my kids, all 46 of their stinky little faces. who knew that 10 year olds were actually the best? i never would have suspected. but really, they're smart enough to laugh at my jokes, but not quite at peak sassiness that will hit from years 12-17.

i'm starting to think that this job is giving me a glimpse into what it will be like to actually have children. i'm not kidding when i say that i love these kids. i think about them all the time. but i'm also not kidding when i say that they annoy the crap out of me sometimes. and make me want to kick puppies. and scream into pillows. but then, i always overflow with excitement and glee when i find an activity or idea that i just know they will love, because i get such a kick out of seeing them happy.

when i gave them their first science test, i think i was more nervous than they were. i seriously tossed and turned the night before, worrying about how they would do on it. did i teach them how to tell the difference between a chemical or a physical change well enough? do they really understand what the law of conservation of matter is? (spoiler alert: nope! that one is apparently still a mystery to them...something to revisit before state testing rolls around.)

i'm pretty sure, however, they understand how to make an electro-magnet, since i burned that lesson into their memory by pretending to electrocute myself. HA SUCKERS!!!

as first quarter comes to a close, here are some things that i have learned about myself, children, and being a teacher:

-folding paper is apparently REALLY hard. you give very explicit directions (all the while modeling the procedure) on how to fold ONCE vertically and 4 TIMES horizontally to get 10 squares, and you get kids with any number of squares, varying from 12 to 36. GUYS. 1X4. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

-hugs and high-fives from 10 year olds are surprisingly validating.

-grading is my #1 most-hated thing about teaching. hate. loathe. detest. curse.

-for all the talk about the "technology generation", these kids can't type up a paper to save their dang lives. our day in the computer lab made me want to kill myself. case in point:
        i look over and see little buddy literally pulling on his hair and in tears,         looking at me in a total panic.
        me, genuinely concerned: "what's wrong?!!"
        child: "HOW DO I GET TO THE NEXT LINE?!!!??!?!?!?!?!!!"
        me: ...
        child: (helpless and crying)
        me: (reaches down and presses "enter")

crisis averted, i guess. don't even get me started on teaching them how to print. apparently the little button with the PRINTER on it isn't a good enough clue.

sigh. they're dummies sometimes. but mostly they're so funny and smart and cute, and i am happy to be their teacher.

THIS IS IMPORTANT

hi everyone that reads my blog around the world. some changes are going to be happening pretty soon around here. i'm going to have to become a real adult pretty soon, with a real job and stuff. this real job involves parents and 5th graders. i'm concerned that one day, said parents and 5th graders will read my blog and realize how actually incompetent i am and try to have me fired.

so, i'm making my blog private. i know, buzz kill.

what i'm saying is, if you want to keep reading my really hilarious and charming and intellectually stimulating blog, you're going to have to leave me your email address in the comments box so i can add you to an elite list of readers.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT ANONYMOUSLY ENJOY MY BLOG BUT NEVER FESS UP AND LEAVE COMMENTS, THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!!!!! if and when you come to the correct conclusion that you cannot in fact live without my blog, i will gladly accept your declared readership with open arms.

i do hope you will leave your email. because seriously guys, i'm going to be teaching 5th grade IN FRENCH. this is going to be hilarious.

visiting teaching.

guys, i'm really bad at visiting teaching. i've been in my ward for like three months and still haven't done it. (jargon: a ward is like a congregation. visiting teaching is set up kind of so that every person in the ward has a buddy. ah go look at this website.) anyway, background story: last night in a fit of misguided ambition, i decided to make cupcakes to take to church choir in order to bribe people to actually attend. only after i was done frosting them (WITH HOMEMADE STRAWBERRY FROSTING, MIND YOU) that i remembered--it was fast sunday. no one could eat these. we weren't even going to HAVE choir practice.

what to do with all these cupcakes. DING! i will take them to my people that i've been neglecting for three months!

track down their names, check. addresses, check. what they actually look like, no check. (IT'S NOT LIKE FACEBOOK EXISTS OR ANYTHING, AMY.)

(note: none of my people that i visit are named kara. but i thought it would be weird to put their real names. in case some day they read my blog when we become friends.)

here's to someday being able to have normal social interactions.

i have 20/13 vision but my observation skills are pretty lacking.

something happened today that has never happened to me before, but getting there was quite a journey. as told by texts:

obviously the lack of important punctuation confused me at first. and then i kind of thought that it seemed like a scene from a horror movie. "something...is...in the house...with me? WHAT IS IT. WHO IS IT. AM I GOING TO DIE?! WHAT KIND OF SURPRISE IS THIS! YOU'RE A MONSTER!"

but, reason quickly prevailed and i scampered outside to check the mail. i found some junk mail, and a package...for grace. 

so that was really it. no one has ever sent me a soggy phone book before. what a special day for me!!

just kidding. i had to walk around my house 4 times in my pajamas, checking both my doors as well as our upstairs neighbors' porch twice before FINALLY seeing this:

they are quite beautiful, and there is a giant tropical pinecone. or pineapple. i don't know. i might try it later to make sure. 

lately: chicago

i feel i should put a little disclaimer before this post. i don't TRY to make all my posts bathroom-focused, i guess that's just what my life is about sometimes. a lot of times. so...you've been warned. (again, sorry)

pictured: plane! cake shake! giant american flag! bean! mediocre fireworks! airport at 4am!

also pictured: severe digestion malfunctions.

you know what's really good for making good first impressions?

DIARRHEA.

like, "hi, i'm amy. i'm gonna need to use your bathroom. right now. but seriously."
sometimes it happens when you can't make a number 2 for 2 days and then you're like well i should probably take something for that so you do but then it doesn't work like it promised on the box so you take some more and then BAM suddenly when you're in a public place, like say, a restaurant, and whoowee does that medicine start working. and then it keeps working for the rest of the day. while you meet new people and continue hanging out in public places.

IT WAS PRETTY GREAT.

other than that though, the trip was pretty dreamy.

hey guys!!

i worked for four hours today and only got two stains on my shirt!

this guy.

i am happy my dad is so tall. because my mom is pretty short (but so very cute), and so that means that between the two, i come out to about average height, if not a little taller than most of my friends. (except the friends that are giants.) thanks, dad.

but seriously, i really love my dad so so much. my dad was the catalyst for me going on a mission. i was 22, one semester away from graduating, and considering an internship in france. filling out the application, actually. i went home for christmas break, and one of the things that came up was this:

dad: "so i've been thinking a lot about this, and i really think you should consider going on a mission."
me: *snort* "yeah, ok."

ok. despite my totally bratty response, it did stick with me. because here's the thing--my dad is usually a "you make your own choices and i support you" kind of dad. every once in a while, he'll give suggestions, but only if he thinks it's pretty important. here's the other thing--i really respect my dad. he is very wise. so i started thinking about it, like a "ok i won't say NO, but i'm definitely not saying yes..." and once that door was opened just a little crack, eventually it just blew right open and off i went to tahiti, allowing me to have one of the most rewarding 18 months of my life.

i once heard in a religion class that sometimes God will reveal things to other people for us, because sometimes we're not listening. i am so grateful that my dad is one of those people who does listen, for all the times when i don't.

now things have come full circle, and he's out serving a mission of his own. i couldn't be more proud to be able to say that paul hansen is MY dad.

love you, dad. 

also, if you were here, i would take you to this: 

i have bad luck with spiders.

let's talk about last thursday.
*disclaimer: there are some pictures of me on a toilet. you have been warned.

then, out of the corner of my eye, appears:

and then i:

this spider was huge. way too big to squish with a shoe, because then i would feel it crunch and smush. and i can't handle that. so i went for the next most effective alternative. scrubbing bubbles. 

after using about half the can on the demon and watching him curl up and die, i felt secure enough to do my hair in the bathroom. but i didn't want to touch it (the spider, not my hair), so i left it on the window sill because i also wanted to show grace when she got home, because fear must be shared. 

then i left, spider still curled up and not moving on the window sill. fast forward to a few hours later. grace and i come home. me: "grace come see the giant mutant i killed in our bathroom!" grace: "...iii don't..."

it.

was. 

gone.

after a frantic and scary search in the bathroom to see where it had gone, we found nothing. but i really had to pee. but i was really scared. but i still had to go. so i did. 

i don't think i've ever put my pants back as quickly in my entire life. obviously i made grace kill it the second time around. 

in case you missed this, here is some background on other horrifying spider experiences.

it's this girl's birthday--my sister, megan. she is one of my favorite people and i love her. 

megan, i'm real glad you were born. 

also,

this is grace, my roommate. you know, the one who actually buys the edamame. THIS IS HER FACE ON THE JUMBOTRON AT YANKEE STADIUM:

she's a master now, and was kind of (but really) chosen to represent the graduate school of arts and sciences at the ceremony. i guess i'm just proud of her or whatever.

it still counts!

the other day at work, i was eating lunch at my desk. i had some edamame (you know, those green pea lookin' things). one of my coworkers comes by, does a double-take, and says in an obviously impressed voice:

"amy, you're eating so healthy today!!"

embarrassing.

it's really a miracle that i somehow continue to sustain life. good thing i have grace (the person, not the thing).

YOU'RE WELCOME.

i've been getting harassed lately by multiple parties about how i need to start blogging again. all i can say is this:

guys. i'm telling you. i'm doing you a FAVOR by not blogging. my life is really boring right now. here, i'll show you what happens most of the time:

me, on my phone:

it's not reciprocated:

me, at work:

(oops, not pictured. way too boring.)

me, sometimes not wearing socks with tennis shoes because it would require more movement:

real me, i cut my hair about a month ago:

don't worry, i WANTED one of my eyes to look significantly more raccoon-y than the other. 

IT WAS ON PURPOSE OK. 

these women.

my dear mom and my beacon of any and all good things that you could come up with--strength, generosity, kindness, cuteness...just to name a few.

my sweet grandma, a pioneer in her own right. she passed away today and will be sorely missed.

no, kank you.

this small child and i have approximately equal levels of emotional maturity. i don't know if i should be proud of her, or ashamed of me. 

i know that sentence wasn't grammatically correct. WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF.

Undercooked

Holli: "yeah I think I read somewhere that the human brain finishes developing at the age of 25."

Me: "what?! This is it?? This is how my brain is going to be for the REST OF MY LIFE?!"

I am in soooo much trouble if this is true.

i have such a girl crush on patricia holland right now.

this comes from a 1987 ensign article from patricia holland: "one thing needful: becoming women of greater faith in Christ." granted, this was written before i was born, but it applies to today more than ever. i would've really loved to copy and paste the entire article onto this post, but it was pretty lengthy. however, i highly encourage that you follow the link though to read it in its wise entirety. 

here are a few paragraphs that i particularly liked. i highlighted my favorite parts. 

read and be edified.

"If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women. I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never find the calming strength and serenity for which their sex has always been known. 

Satan has effectively done that, catching us in the crunch of trying to be superhuman instead of striving to reach our unique, God-given potential within such diversity. He tauntingly teases us that if we don’t have it all—fame, fortune, families, and fun, and have it all the time—we have been short-changed and are second-class citizens in the race of life. As a sex we are struggling, our families are struggling, and our society is struggling. 

Through the last decade, Satan has enticed all humanity to engage almost all of their energies in the pursuit of romantic love or thing-love or excessive self-love. In so doing, we forget that appropriate self-love and self-esteem are the promised reward for putting others first. “Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.” (Luke 17:33.) 

With charity, real growth and genuine insight begin. But the lid to box four seems nearly impossible to penetrate. Unfortunately, the faint-hearted and fearful often turn back here. The going seems too difficult, the lock too secure. This is a time for self-evaluation. To see ourselves as we really are often brings pain, but it is only through true humility, repentance, and renewal that we will come to know God. “Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart,” he said. (Matt. 11:29.) We must be patient with ourselves as we overcome weaknesses, and we must remember to rejoice over all that is good in us. This will strengthen our inner selves and leave us less dependent on outward acclaim. When our souls pay less attention to public praise, they then also care very little about public disapproval. Competition and jealousy and envy now begin to have no meaning. Just imagine the powerful spirit that would exist in our female society if we finally arrived at the point where, like our Savior, our real desire was to be counted as the least among our sisters. The rewards here are of such profound strength and quiet triumph of faith that we are carried into an even brighter sphere."

babies...the enemy of productivity

all-star week for amy hansen.

well it seems like everything goes on the internet these days, so let's talk about some really inappropriate details of my personal life this past week. (you've been warned)

i can't really decide what my favorite part of last week was. it's such a toss-up between:

pyrotechnic vomiting out of a car window (from which some of the passengers apparently did not escape unscathed...)

urinary tract infection

sooo much writhing and vomiting

peeing in a cup 3 times in one week

bed-ridden and drugged out of my mind for 8 days

getting an enema, from my mother (i cried from sheer humiliation)

passing a 4mm kidney stone

it's so hard to decide, amiright??

but seriously, i'm really grateful for a few things:
-modern medicine
-a mom who loves me so much that SHE cries when i'm in pain
-a dad who is a worthy priesthood bearer

adult life, i bite my thumb at you.

this is what it looks like when i try to make a resume:

thank goodness i have a mitchell who walks me through the resume-making process:

mostly i just want to hang out with babies.

hire me plz?

i know it happened a little fast, but...

conversation at church today*:

lady in front of me turns around: "so when is your wedding?"
me: "...i'm sorry, what?"
lady: "isn't it you that's getting married??"
me: *rapid breathing, shifty eyes*

me and iPhone 5's engagement was supposed to be held in UTMOST SECRECY, guys!!

well i guess it's out now. BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

*this conversation actually DID happen, but the lady was just confused about which Hansen daughter was actually getting married (to a human). It was my sister, wendy! and we really are happy for her. 

i got beef.

"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time." (Eliza R. Snow)

although i feel that quote is 100% applicable to today, let's substitute some vernacular for a more 21st century setting:

"Women should be women and not babies that need [comments] and [likes] all the time." 

i feel like the internet is ruining everything. 

#thisisfunnyright

#somedayi'llpostsomethingotherthanmygchats
#getoveritandleavemesomecomments