if this doesn't make you happy, you are not a human and i don't want you reading my blog.

follow-up

no roommates were harmed in the making of these cupcakes.

sugar, my drug of choice

all i can think about right now are treats.
if i don't get some sugar in me, i'm afraid of what i might do to my cupcake roommates.

*if you don't know who jimmer is, click on that link and get out from the stupid rock you've been living under.

feature film: the ex-boyfriends club

let me preface this with a little background: in my ward, i have three ex-boyfriends, prompting my bishop to refer to me as a "femme fatale". one was there when i moved in, one moved in a few months later, and one happened more organically. we're all actually on really good terms, as far as i can tell from our pleasant and friendly interactions. anyway, it quickly became a little joke--how they should form some sort of club.

now you have enough background to understand this gchat:

me: alison told me she ran into matthew and russell at slab tonight
and i was like oh, so it's actually happening--they're actually forming the "ex-boyfriends of amy hansen in 234th ward" club
Mitchell: haha
Mitchell: I think that is what is happening
they are inviting tristan over later to all dish
me: they're going to exchange all my secrets
Mitchell: yes
me: things they hated about me
Mitchell: yes
all of these things
they are probably writing a book about it.
Mitchell: it's going to be a New York Times best seller
me: i could illustrate it, i guess. if i get a cut of the profits.
Mitchell: if not you can just sue them
then it can be turned into a movie about the book and you suing them and you can make even more money
me: YES

then the conversation progressed into who we would cast in the movie of my life. cast members as follows: with a few minor changes to hair color and style, i think we've got a pretty solid cast. members include holli, me, mitchell, and the three x's.

let it be known that this is meant to be totally light-hearted in nature--i think the world of all three of these guys.

GUYS.

they are making my favorite book into a movie. i hope they don't ruin it.

survival 101

things i have eaten today:

-half of a tomato (the only thing in the fridge that belonged to me)
-candy from christmas i found in my room
-easter candy i found in my office desk drawer
-a hamburger

from this i think we can deduce a few things:
1. it is for sure time to go grocery shopping
2. someday when i live in a post-apocalyptic world, i might be malnourished, but i sure as heck won't go hungry. my scavenging skills are second to none.

recent conversation with my parents:

mom: "have you ever had a flu vaccine?"
me: "nope. don't wanna end up like the zombies in 'i am legend'."
mom: "..."
dad: (laughter)

at least somebody gets my jokes.

vivre la langue

love everything about this.

EF - Live The Language - Paris from Albin Holmqvist on Vimeo.

let's get physical.

let me just preface by saying that this post is mostly about pee. you've been warned.

that being said, i don't think physicals are real things. i think they're just jokes doctors play on people. like oh here, let me inject some of this tuberculosis virus into your arm and watch the weird-looking bubble it makes! it doesn't actually do anything but haha, isn't it funny looking? and not that i've ever experienced it, but that whole "turn your head and cough" thing? that can't be real.

but the worst is peeing in a cup. i have never experienced anything as demoralizing as peeing in a cup.first of all, i forgot that i was going to have to do it. so i didn't have to go. at all. on top of that, there's a little door in the wall where there is literally someone waiting to take the luke-warm plastic cup supposedly full of my urine. i have a shy bladder as it is.
also, for some reason, as soon as my body knows that i have to pee in a cup, all previous sense of orderly aim apparently goes out the window. how is it that any other time, there's a nice clean stream, but as soon as i have to make it into a cup, it's like suddenly i have gravity-defying pee.

so here i am, desperately trying to catch the three drops of pee my body can muster, and failing horribly. i finally get about enough to cover the bottom of the cup. and that's all i can do. show's over. next time, i'm just going to pay someone for their pee.

bon anniversaire

today is the love of my life, grace stephenson's birthday. 21 years old and ready to take on the world. here are 5 things/memories that i love about this woman:

1. the first summer that we lived together, we developed an acute addiction to ben and jerry's ice cream. we each averaged an individual pint about every 4-5 days. once, grace got the coffee health bar crunch flavor as a guilty pleasure, not realizing that it had actual coffee in it, not just artificial flavoring. i watched the internal struggle take place as she wavered between keeping it ("it's just ice cream!") and throwing it away ("the word of wisdom...?"). after taking one last spoonful, she mournfully dumped the pint. i'm pretty sure we immediately went to the grocery store to get a replacement. that was also the summer where we once thought there was someone jumping up and down on our roof--it turned out to be our tap-dancing roommate.

2. she can do really weird things with her body. i've never seen a more legitimate pregnant belly on a non-pregnant person. also, and i hope she'll forgive me for posting this on the internet because i'm legitimately impressed and awed about this, i have never met a human being that can belch louder than grace. and so out of nowhere. it's incredible the sounds that can come out of her.

3. she's just so smart. she'll pull things out of nowhere and i'm like...how did you know that? are you wikipedia?

4. one time she went on a date with 7 boys at once. and they were aaaallll in love with her. what a fox. she will most undoubtedly protest this one, but i will not retract it. my main point is that she is absolutely loveable--charming and witty, how could you not?

5. grace is just easy to be around. i never feel like i have to impress her, or be someone i'm not. whether it be sitting in her bed watching gossip girl for 5 hours straight, or roadtripping to vegas, she is someone i can just be myself around.

she introduced me to men's white v-neck hanes shirts (never going back), sonic happy hour, and how to say "your mother is dirty" in german. i'll love this girl till the day i die. and then some. happy birthday ma bichette.

valentimes

so for valentine's day, my roommate liz, my friend sean, and i decided that the ultimate way to spend the day would be to eat a giant burrito from chipotle in sandy. we made the 40 minute drive there. i was so stoked to eat my burrito that i jumped out of my car all hungry-like, and slammed my door shut.

oh. my car is still running? here, let me just shut it off. oh. i locked my doors? let me just...crap. i locked my keys in my RUNNING car. oh. i'm an IDIOT. obviously, i was not pleased. luckily, sean is a bona-fide member of AAA, and he was able to call and get some dude to come pick the lock on my car. i think it's some sort of outreach program for ex-cons. anyway, they told us it would be "about 30 minutes." perfect. just enough time to stuff our faces with burritos. an hour or so later, we were still waiting for the AAA ex-con. after a couple awkward exchanges with people in the parking lot (you know, because we were standing beside my running car, freezing), we decided we needed to come up with a cover story. like trying to break a record for a valentine's day dance challenge. "2 more minutes! we just gotta keep going for 2 more minutes!" we'd shout while dancing, anytime people walked by, just so they wouldn't get suspicious.

finally, the guy showed up. and he even taught me how to pick the lock.

and i came home to this:hands down, the best valentine i have ever received. (it was anonymous and i'm a notoriously bad guesser) a personalized telegram from captain von trapp himself, accompanied by skittles.

i must've done something good

happy valentine's day, georg my love.

i like to call it...ingenuity.

so here's the thing. i hate wearing socks. winter is the worst, because it's always cold so i'm more or less obligated to wear them always. but sometimes, i don't. but then my feet get cold. but then i'm too lazy to go downstairs to find socks. so sometimes, things like this happen:


also, thank you to james brown for sharing this video with me:i'm pretty sure this is why you're supposed to have kids.

to mess with them.

welcome to my brain.

so recently i've had some pretty strange dreams. last week, i dreamt (why is mozilla spellcheck telling me that's not a word? i feel like people say this.) that i was being held at swordpoint by captain hook (dustin hoffman version, circa 1991), who wanted my grandmother's wedding ring. because i neither wanted to die, nor give up my grandma's wedding ring, i devised a plan.

me: "what if...i keep the ring...but...i agree to marry you?"

hook studies me. "deal."


so that was weird. but last night takes the cake. i was in a post-apocalyptic world with my parents, running from zombies. we were in the gym of the church building i went to in missouri, hiding underneath a table in the middle of the room. we moved out from under the table to search for a safe closet to hide in. luckily for us, we knew a way to ward off zombies--oust spray.so i start dousing our trail with this spray, and we make the closet all cozy-like. i open the door to get the door frame, and bam. i slammed the door and prayed the oust spray would hold up.

then, i am abruptly awoken by FIREWORKS EXPLODING RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. to say that i thought i was going to DIE would be an understatement. i thought there was a zombie outside my window. i thought my brains were going to get eaten.

one corner to rule them all

so as it turns out, there is one corner in the entire house where internet access is possible.
this was an important discovery.


nope. not. gchatting instead.

i hate comcast.

so the internet has been broken at my house for the past week or so. it is truly awful. you'd think it would increase my level of productivity, not having access to facebook or blogger. but in fact, it has the opposite effect. mostly i just wander around, whining. the thing is, i don't really have that much homework this semester, so i'm not even that productive to begin with. but when you take away the internet, you also take away my ability to do my online spanish homework (which i probably wasn't going to do until 3 hours before it was due anyway). basically what ends up happening is that i spend 5 hours on campus binging on 30 rock, or taking advantage of my friends for their internet.