don't take this as a sign or anything.

so after semi-woefully realizing that the last time i blogged was LAST YEAR, i am making a half-hearted attempt to post something.

although heads-up, getting back into blogging was not one of my new year's resolutions. but, i feel like when you getting married and stuff, you should probably at least post a picture or something.

SO HERE YOU GO. i got married! in october. it was grand, and continues to be so.

anyway, since i got married i've been pretty busy cooking, and cleaning, and ironing shirts and stuff, so it's hard to have time to blog. HA, JUST KIDDING. i make connor do all that stuff. 

this new lifestyle, however, has afforded some cartoon opportunities, which i usually take advantage of illustrating during sunday school. here is one of an actual conversation that took place whilst i tried to fall asleep: 

our sleeping schedules are not always aligned. aka connor needs about 4 hours of sleep a night, and i need 13. MARRIAGE IS HARD, YOU GUYS. 

just kidding, i like it pretty good. 

ode to my dad

guys, today is my dad's birthday. 

well, tomorrow is my dad's birthday in america. but today is the day in the philippines, and since that is where he lives, that is what counts. 

paul hansen is really the best. he's the guy that taught me the importance of passenger safety in a car by always doing a random seatbelt check on road trips. these seat belt checks consisted of him waiting until everyone in the car was asleep or totally zoned out, then slamming on the breaks while screaming bloody murder and yelling "SEATBELT CHECK!!" us hansen children have never messed around with buckling up. 

he's the guy that goes out on december 23rd and buys a bunch of surprise christmas presents, despite my mom's protestations that she has ALREADY GOTTEN EVERYTHING ON THE LIST, HONEY. he's also the guy that secretly pays for peoples' meals at restaurants and then leaves before they even know what happened. 

he's the cute dad that asked me to dance at my cousin's wedding, even though they really should have just left me home locked in a closet or something because i had chosen that day to cut my own bangs and ended up looking like this: 

he's just a good guy. so dad, here's what we would do if you were here:

1. get up in the morning, hop in the jeep. go get a breakfast burrito.

2. eat it on the way to some out in the middle of nowhere location in the desert.

3. geocache all day, going through treacherous passes where mom gets nervous at least 4 times and you really put ruby to the test. i promise not to get car sick and ruin everything.

4. come back, probably take a nap.

5. wake up, go eat red robin. or some really good italian food. i don't know, you pick. it's your birthday, after all. 

6. come back, have some hot fudge pudding cake, and then watch that star trek movie that came out about a week after you went into the MTC. 

does that sound like an ok plan? let me know, and we can use it for 2015. i love you, dad, and i sure am glad you were born. 

just your typical saturday night here, guys.

some grubbin'

and some groovin'

take it from me, it's almost always a good idea to do zumba right after eating a cheeseburger. 

leftovers.

do you ever do this? you are eating food, like say, leftover cheesy breadsticks. hypothetically, of course.

you are enjoying said cheesy bread, and you get to the last bite of one. sink your teeth into it.

and it is not good.

probably because it is 2 days old and has been microwaved, but that is besides the point. you think to yourself, "i have a whole other cheesy breadstick waiting for me. do i really want to waste my stomach space and jaw energy chewing this unsatisfactory last bite, when i could just move on to the next one??" so you kind of just stop mid-bite, take it out of your mouth, and...

so you're telling me you don't ever do this.

gross, me neither.

2013 according to my phone

although it's not all-inclusive of all the things that happened this year, it's a pretty good snapshot.

you were a good one, 2013.

also,

we did a class play about hercules, guys. it was the best. they loved it so much!!!

they made the set.

this tree was hard. you have no idea how complicated it is to get your hands on a refrigerator box.

i made (and played) with their costumes.

i also got very good at whipping a toga together with a queen-sized sheet on a 3 foot body. (the second class here all destroyed my fine handy work before we could get the picture. ungrateful children...)
these kids are just the best.

beep bop boop!

remember how my computer decided to die a few months ago? well, in a recent slew of events involving apple trying to ruin my life, i decided to tempt fate by poking the power button on my computer. you know, just to see.
WEELLLLLLL...

IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, PEOPLE.
(seriously. i have no idea how this is possible.)
god bless us, every one!!!

look forward to more stuff like this:

check and check. merry christmas, sweetheart.

(it looks waaaay better when you squint your eyes a little bit.)

ALIVE

guys. i'm sorry.

i know i went through all the trouble of making you send me your email so i could register you to read this private blog, because i had promised you a humorous and intriguing look into my life as a 5th grade dual immersion teacher.

(guilty face)

as it turns out, i just have no life because of this job. also, my computer broke, so at this very moment i am hijacking grace's laptop to type this. the good news though, is that I LOVE MY JOB. seriously. it is awesome. i love my kids, all 46 of their stinky little faces. who knew that 10 year olds were actually the best? i never would have suspected. but really, they're smart enough to laugh at my jokes, but not quite at peak sassiness that will hit from years 12-17.

i'm starting to think that this job is giving me a glimpse into what it will be like to actually have children. i'm not kidding when i say that i love these kids. i think about them all the time. but i'm also not kidding when i say that they annoy the crap out of me sometimes. and make me want to kick puppies. and scream into pillows. but then, i always overflow with excitement and glee when i find an activity or idea that i just know they will love, because i get such a kick out of seeing them happy.

when i gave them their first science test, i think i was more nervous than they were. i seriously tossed and turned the night before, worrying about how they would do on it. did i teach them how to tell the difference between a chemical or a physical change well enough? do they really understand what the law of conservation of matter is? (spoiler alert: nope! that one is apparently still a mystery to them...something to revisit before state testing rolls around.)

i'm pretty sure, however, they understand how to make an electro-magnet, since i burned that lesson into their memory by pretending to electrocute myself. HA SUCKERS!!!

as first quarter comes to a close, here are some things that i have learned about myself, children, and being a teacher:

-folding paper is apparently REALLY hard. you give very explicit directions (all the while modeling the procedure) on how to fold ONCE vertically and 4 TIMES horizontally to get 10 squares, and you get kids with any number of squares, varying from 12 to 36. GUYS. 1X4. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

-hugs and high-fives from 10 year olds are surprisingly validating.

-grading is my #1 most-hated thing about teaching. hate. loathe. detest. curse.

-for all the talk about the "technology generation", these kids can't type up a paper to save their dang lives. our day in the computer lab made me want to kill myself. case in point:
        i look over and see little buddy literally pulling on his hair and in tears,         looking at me in a total panic.
        me, genuinely concerned: "what's wrong?!!"
        child: "HOW DO I GET TO THE NEXT LINE?!!!??!?!?!?!?!!!"
        me: ...
        child: (helpless and crying)
        me: (reaches down and presses "enter")

crisis averted, i guess. don't even get me started on teaching them how to print. apparently the little button with the PRINTER on it isn't a good enough clue.

sigh. they're dummies sometimes. but mostly they're so funny and smart and cute, and i am happy to be their teacher.

THIS IS IMPORTANT

hi everyone that reads my blog around the world. some changes are going to be happening pretty soon around here. i'm going to have to become a real adult pretty soon, with a real job and stuff. this real job involves parents and 5th graders. i'm concerned that one day, said parents and 5th graders will read my blog and realize how actually incompetent i am and try to have me fired.

so, i'm making my blog private. i know, buzz kill.

what i'm saying is, if you want to keep reading my really hilarious and charming and intellectually stimulating blog, you're going to have to leave me your email address in the comments box so i can add you to an elite list of readers.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT ANONYMOUSLY ENJOY MY BLOG BUT NEVER FESS UP AND LEAVE COMMENTS, THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!!!!! if and when you come to the correct conclusion that you cannot in fact live without my blog, i will gladly accept your declared readership with open arms.

i do hope you will leave your email. because seriously guys, i'm going to be teaching 5th grade IN FRENCH. this is going to be hilarious.

visiting teaching.

guys, i'm really bad at visiting teaching. i've been in my ward for like three months and still haven't done it. (jargon: a ward is like a congregation. visiting teaching is set up kind of so that every person in the ward has a buddy. ah go look at this website.) anyway, background story: last night in a fit of misguided ambition, i decided to make cupcakes to take to church choir in order to bribe people to actually attend. only after i was done frosting them (WITH HOMEMADE STRAWBERRY FROSTING, MIND YOU) that i remembered--it was fast sunday. no one could eat these. we weren't even going to HAVE choir practice.

what to do with all these cupcakes. DING! i will take them to my people that i've been neglecting for three months!

track down their names, check. addresses, check. what they actually look like, no check. (IT'S NOT LIKE FACEBOOK EXISTS OR ANYTHING, AMY.)

(note: none of my people that i visit are named kara. but i thought it would be weird to put their real names. in case some day they read my blog when we become friends.)

here's to someday being able to have normal social interactions.

i have 20/13 vision but my observation skills are pretty lacking.

something happened today that has never happened to me before, but getting there was quite a journey. as told by texts:

obviously the lack of important punctuation confused me at first. and then i kind of thought that it seemed like a scene from a horror movie. "something...is...in the house...with me? WHAT IS IT. WHO IS IT. AM I GOING TO DIE?! WHAT KIND OF SURPRISE IS THIS! YOU'RE A MONSTER!"

but, reason quickly prevailed and i scampered outside to check the mail. i found some junk mail, and a package...for grace. 

so that was really it. no one has ever sent me a soggy phone book before. what a special day for me!!

just kidding. i had to walk around my house 4 times in my pajamas, checking both my doors as well as our upstairs neighbors' porch twice before FINALLY seeing this:

they are quite beautiful, and there is a giant tropical pinecone. or pineapple. i don't know. i might try it later to make sure. 

lately: chicago

i feel i should put a little disclaimer before this post. i don't TRY to make all my posts bathroom-focused, i guess that's just what my life is about sometimes. a lot of times. so...you've been warned. (again, sorry)

pictured: plane! cake shake! giant american flag! bean! mediocre fireworks! airport at 4am!

also pictured: severe digestion malfunctions.

you know what's really good for making good first impressions?

DIARRHEA.

like, "hi, i'm amy. i'm gonna need to use your bathroom. right now. but seriously."
sometimes it happens when you can't make a number 2 for 2 days and then you're like well i should probably take something for that so you do but then it doesn't work like it promised on the box so you take some more and then BAM suddenly when you're in a public place, like say, a restaurant, and whoowee does that medicine start working. and then it keeps working for the rest of the day. while you meet new people and continue hanging out in public places.

IT WAS PRETTY GREAT.

other than that though, the trip was pretty dreamy.

hey guys!!

i worked for four hours today and only got two stains on my shirt!

this guy.

i am happy my dad is so tall. because my mom is pretty short (but so very cute), and so that means that between the two, i come out to about average height, if not a little taller than most of my friends. (except the friends that are giants.) thanks, dad.

but seriously, i really love my dad so so much. my dad was the catalyst for me going on a mission. i was 22, one semester away from graduating, and considering an internship in france. filling out the application, actually. i went home for christmas break, and one of the things that came up was this:

dad: "so i've been thinking a lot about this, and i really think you should consider going on a mission."
me: *snort* "yeah, ok."

ok. despite my totally bratty response, it did stick with me. because here's the thing--my dad is usually a "you make your own choices and i support you" kind of dad. every once in a while, he'll give suggestions, but only if he thinks it's pretty important. here's the other thing--i really respect my dad. he is very wise. so i started thinking about it, like a "ok i won't say NO, but i'm definitely not saying yes..." and once that door was opened just a little crack, eventually it just blew right open and off i went to tahiti, allowing me to have one of the most rewarding 18 months of my life.

i once heard in a religion class that sometimes God will reveal things to other people for us, because sometimes we're not listening. i am so grateful that my dad is one of those people who does listen, for all the times when i don't.

now things have come full circle, and he's out serving a mission of his own. i couldn't be more proud to be able to say that paul hansen is MY dad.

love you, dad. 

also, if you were here, i would take you to this: 

i have bad luck with spiders.

let's talk about last thursday.
*disclaimer: there are some pictures of me on a toilet. you have been warned.

then, out of the corner of my eye, appears:

and then i:

this spider was huge. way too big to squish with a shoe, because then i would feel it crunch and smush. and i can't handle that. so i went for the next most effective alternative. scrubbing bubbles. 

after using about half the can on the demon and watching him curl up and die, i felt secure enough to do my hair in the bathroom. but i didn't want to touch it (the spider, not my hair), so i left it on the window sill because i also wanted to show grace when she got home, because fear must be shared. 

then i left, spider still curled up and not moving on the window sill. fast forward to a few hours later. grace and i come home. me: "grace come see the giant mutant i killed in our bathroom!" grace: "...iii don't..."

it.

was. 

gone.

after a frantic and scary search in the bathroom to see where it had gone, we found nothing. but i really had to pee. but i was really scared. but i still had to go. so i did. 

i don't think i've ever put my pants back as quickly in my entire life. obviously i made grace kill it the second time around. 

in case you missed this, here is some background on other horrifying spider experiences.

it's this girl's birthday--my sister, megan. she is one of my favorite people and i love her. 

megan, i'm real glad you were born. 

also,

this is grace, my roommate. you know, the one who actually buys the edamame. THIS IS HER FACE ON THE JUMBOTRON AT YANKEE STADIUM:

she's a master now, and was kind of (but really) chosen to represent the graduate school of arts and sciences at the ceremony. i guess i'm just proud of her or whatever.

it still counts!

the other day at work, i was eating lunch at my desk. i had some edamame (you know, those green pea lookin' things). one of my coworkers comes by, does a double-take, and says in an obviously impressed voice:

"amy, you're eating so healthy today!!"

embarrassing.

it's really a miracle that i somehow continue to sustain life. good thing i have grace (the person, not the thing).

YOU'RE WELCOME.

i've been getting harassed lately by multiple parties about how i need to start blogging again. all i can say is this:

guys. i'm telling you. i'm doing you a FAVOR by not blogging. my life is really boring right now. here, i'll show you what happens most of the time:

me, on my phone:

it's not reciprocated:

me, at work:

(oops, not pictured. way too boring.)

me, sometimes not wearing socks with tennis shoes because it would require more movement:

real me, i cut my hair about a month ago:

don't worry, i WANTED one of my eyes to look significantly more raccoon-y than the other. 

IT WAS ON PURPOSE OK.